As human beings, we’re highly motivated to seek pleasure and avoid pain.  It seems like the smart, rational, and safe thing to do.  So it makes sense that we would want to avoid shame as much as possible.  Hence the Unspoken Rules of Shame:  

Don’t talk about it

Don’t think about it

Don’t want to know about it

Don’t want to feel it

However, how can we avoid something that is an innate part of our biology and emotional makeup, even if it causes us pain?  

There lies the dilemma:  We can’t avoid shame forever just like we can’t outrun our own shadow nor can we can’t fight it because that’s like shadowboxing ourselves.  Sure we can try and plenty of people had, have, and will continue to do so.  It’s in our human nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain after all.  

While there’s nothing wrong with avoiding shame if we don’t want to or don’t have the capacity to deal with it, there comes a time when we realized something is seriously wrong and it’s no longer fun to constantly chase after pleasure to escape pain.  Life has became too painful and costly to continue down the same path in the same way.  Now, we’re at a crossroad of what to do.      

What can we realistically do about shame then?  If we can’t avoid it or fight it, perhaps we can channel all that flight/fight energy into learning how to face it.  I called this process building shame resilience. 

That means we CAN…

… talk about it, without feeling overwhelmed or shutting down

… think about it, without triggering more shame

… see it, without identifying with or reacting to it

… feel it, without getting stuck in it

…. be with it, with self-compassion and acceptance

To be clear, becoming shame resilience doesn’t mean we’ll transcend shame and never feel or experience it again.  It also doesn’t mean we can force shame to our will or get rid of it like an old dirty pair of socks.  Shamelessness is not the goal nor is that ideal.  We are all flawed and fallible human beings and shame is here to remind us of this shared humanity.  

Perhaps you’re already shame resilience and didn’t notice or recognize it.  Can you see which areas of your life you’re already shame resilience enough and which areas need improvement?  

How are you already shame resilience enough?

If you would like more help or guidance in building resilience to shame, then consider joining an upcoming Building Shame Resilience Workshop with me.  I’d love to see you there!