Often when people say they’re struggling with shame, what they’re really struggling with are the “shame spirals.”  

Many have described the experience as being in “a dark place,” “scary mental space,” “pit of hell,” “spiraling,” or “spiraling out of control.”  Some even compared it to the downward spiral of depression since both share similar cycles of negative rumination and profound feelings of despair and hopelessness about oneself or life.  I would say depression is one manifestation of the shame spiral.   

What is The Shame Spiral?

Clinical psychologist Gershen Kaufman first coined and described the term “shame spiral” in a 1974 Journal of Counseling Psychology article as:

“A triggering event occurs. Perhaps it is trying to get close to someone and feeling rebuffed. Or a critical remark by a friend . . . a person suddenly is enmeshed in shame, the eyes turn inward and the experience becomes totally internal, frequently with visual imagery present. The shame feelings flow in a circle, endlessly triggering each other. The precipitating event is relived internally over and over, causing the sense of shame to deepen, to absorb other neutral experiences . . . until finally the self is engulfed. In this way shame becomes paralyzing.”

The experience is unique to each individual and it can last a few minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months with varying degree and intensity.  

Here’s an example from my own life:

As the eldest daughter, I was raised with an expectation to be the fixer and problem solver in my family.  It’s a role that I have a love/hate relationship with.  One day my dad asked me to help him with an insurance issue that needed to be address by the next day.  This was an urgent and complex matter that I needed time to review.  It was also bad timing because I was busy with my own work as well.  I told him to ask my sister for help and he berated me for being unfilial and selfish.  While my dad’s reaction wasn’t new, I still experienced a flood of anger, resentment, shame, and guilt every time it happened.  Old memories of when I helped him in the past along with times when I rejected him flooded my consciousness.  Overwhelming thoughts and feelings of being a bad daughter and the urge to cut him out of my life ate me up inside.  This shame spiral would last for a few days to a week until I was able to vent to a friend or do some retail therapy.  Even though that helped in the short term, I knew I wanted out of this blame/shame dynamic with my father.  This desire lead me to study and deconstruct shame with the hope of finding a healthier, long term solution to this problem.  

Six Phases of The Shame Spiral

After researching about shame and studying my own shame spirals for the last few years, I’ve broken it down into six main phases:

1.  The Trigger:  External/Systemic, Internal/Personal, or Both/Interpersonal

2.  Physiological Reactions:  Blushing, mind and body freeze, head down, eyes avert gaze, slump posture

3.  Flood of Negative Feelings:  Bad, worthless, embarrassed, guilty, inadequate 

4.  Negative Self Talk:

              “I’m not good enough.”

               “I’m such a loser.”  

               “Everyone hates me.” 

5.  Behavioral Reactions:  Attack Self/Other, Deny, Fawn/Cling, Withdraw

6.  Compounding Shame:  The shame deepens and triggers another cycle.  This is where shame compounds on itself and the negative self talk amplifies into harsher self-attack:

• Shame yourself for feeling shame:  “I shouldn’t be feeling this way!  Only weak or stupid people feel shame.”
• Shame yourself for shaming yourself:  “Why can’t I stop beating myself up?  I can’t even do this right.”
• Shame yourself for getting triggered:  “I should’ve gotten over this already!”
• Shame yourself for your reaction to shame:  “I shouldn’t be reacting this way!  I should’ve known better.”

Usually most people do not experience the shame spiral in this nice, neat linear fashion, but more like being suddenly swept away by a tsunami into a whirlpool or they feel nothing, just numbness. 

For those who struggle with chronic or toxic shame, they are often stuck spiraling endlessly from Phase 3 through 6.  Many are so caught up in Phase 6 that they can’t see clearly what’s happening around or inside of them.  That is why it’s crucial to be aware of these six phases in the shame spiral, which is the first step in stopping the downward spiral and moving out of it.